So I go for surgery a week from tomorrow, and everything about it is just making me tired. That, and Wii Sports, which is much more physically demanding than a video game has a right to be. In addition to playing the games and training in specific skills, you can take a daily “Fitness Test” that determines your “Wii Fitness Age,” with an ideal (meaning low score) of 20.
Over the past three days, I’ve Wii-matured from 42 to 57. Which makes me a pretty feisty cougar, because at the moment I’m a full 30 Wii-years older than Aaron. Hot.
The problem (or one might say fatal programming flaw, if one were sucking as hard as I) is that the fitness test gives you a random selection of three activities out of a possible 15–there are three skills for each of the five sports (tennis, baseball, boxing, golf, bowling). The three activities you get assess your speed, balance and stamina. So if, for example, your balance is off the charts but your speed is barely on them, you will shred hard at bowling and golf and get hosed at baseball and some of the tennis skills. And then the stupid thing makes you hit home runs and return serves after you’ve knocked the wind out of yourself working the punching bag, and the stupid thing thinks you’re 57 when you’re actually 31. Even if you did just buy a raised toilet seat and a shower chair from an invalid store.
This wouldn’t be so disturbing if it were just testing your video game prowess, because I’ve never had much to speak of. But the Wii is made of superfun, evil sorcery that closely simulates actual athletic activity. So it’s kind of like that time I joined a gym and they gave me a “free fitness evaluation” that told me I was 49 in “fitness years” and I better pay their personal trainer three times a week or I might die in a month or two. And no, that did not mean I had the endurance of a seven year-old, I asked.